Archive for the ‘Tales of Brave Ulysses’ Category

Tales Of Brave Ullysses – #1

September 1, 2008

I was in Dixons at the weekend, attempting to get served. Ever so slightly exaggerated, but it went something like this …

AN ORDINARY ELECTRICAL STORE – DIXONS STYLE.  A QUIET RESPECTABLE MAN IS BROWSING THE COMPUTERS. 

 

MARJORIE, AN OVER-EAGER ASSISTANT POPS UP.

 

MARJORY:  Ah!  The PZ3.  Lovely machine, sir. I’ve got one myself.

Excellent choice.

 

MAN: Oh, no, it’s fine, really.  I’m just looking at the moment.

 

MARJORY: No problem, sir.

 

THE MAN MOVES ON TO LOOK AT ANOTHER COMPUTER. MARJORY

POPS UP AGAIN.

 

MARJORY: Ah!  Well.  The Z33 Alpa.  Now this is a marvelous piece

of kit, sir. I’ve got this one myself. 

 

MAN: This one too?

 

MARJORY: Yes, sir.  In the kitchen.  In case I need to go ‘online’ as

we say in the business, and download one of Delia’s recipes.

 

MAN: Yes, well, as I said, I’m just looking at the moment but –

 

MARJORY: I can get one of the lads to help you carry it to the car, sir. 

It’s no trouble. 

 

MAN: Well, of course, I’m not actually buying anything today, but thank you –

 

MARJORY: How will you be paying, sir?  Cash or credit card?  I’d guess

you’re more of a credit card type of gentleman.  Cash is sooo vulgar,

isn’t it?

 

SHE GRABS ONE OF HER MALE COLLEAGUES, DAVIE, A

SCRAWNY TEENAGER.

 

MARJORY: Davie! Could you carry this Z33 Alpa up to the till for the

gentleman.

 

MAN: No.  I think there’s been a little bit of a misunderstanding here. 

I’m not actually purchasing anything today. I’m just browsing.

 

MARJORY: It’s no trouble, sir. Davie’s a big strong lad.  Show him your

 muscles, Davie.

  

DAVIE STARTS TO ROLL UP HIS SLEEVE.

 

MAN: Excuse me!  But you’re just not listening to me!  I am not

purchasing anything today, thank you!  I am just browsing! 

 

MARJORY: (FLOUNCING OFF)  No need to be like that, sir.

 

 CAPTION:     A week later.

 

WE ARE BACK IN THE SAME SHOP AND THE SAME MAN

COMES IN AGAIN. 

 

HE GOES UP TO THE COMPUTERS AGAIN AND SEES THE ONE

HE WANTS.  HE GOES TO ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF AN

ASSISTANT. 

 

MAN: Excuse me!

 

WE SEE IT IS MARJORY AGAIN.

 

MARJORY: Oh!  It’s you.

 

MAN: Oh, hello again.  Well, you’ll be pleased to hear I am buying today. 

The Z33 Alpa.  Top of the range.

 

HE GOES TO GIVE HER HIS CREDIT CARD.

 

MARJORY: Oh, it’s fine now, isn’t it.  Now you’ve decided you want

to buy something, I’m supposed to come running like your wee doggie.

 

SHE DOES A LITTLE EXCITED DOGGIE IMPRESSION.

 

MARJORY: Oh, pleeeze let me sell you a computer, sir.  Pleeeeeze! 

Well, you had your chance last week.  But you wernae interested.

 

MAN: I didn’t have any money last week.

 

MARJORY: That old chestnut.  How many times have I heard that one.

‘I was only browsing, Marjory!’ ‘How did you get my pin number, Marjory?’ 

You’ve forged my name on the credit card slip, Marjory’ Oh, I’ve heard

them all, sir.

 

MAN: Well, none the less I am here to buy. 

 

MARJORY: Nope!  Not listening.

 

MAN: But, surely there’s been some –

MARJORY: (FINGERS IN HER EARS, MAKING NOISES SO SHE CANT HEAR) mmmmmnnnnnnnn! Na na na na na na na na na! Mmmmmm!

MAN: Come on now.  You’re just being silly.

 

SHE CONTINUES WITH FINGERS IN EARS.

 

THE MAN WALKS OFF TO FIND ANOTHER ASSISTANT. 

HE FINDS DAVIE THE YOUNG GUY.

 

MAN: Ah!  Hello again.  Look, I’m really interested in the Z33 Alpa. 

(HE GOES TO HAND OVER CREDIT CARD) So if you could just –

 

FROM ACROSS THE SHOP WE HEAR MARJORY SCREAMING

AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE.

 

MARJORY: Don’t you dare, Davie!  I’ll have your bollocks on my

mantlepiece!

 

DAVIE SHRUGS A ‘SORRY’ AND RUNS OFF.

 

THE MAN TURNS TO ANOTHER ASSISTANT, BUT BEFORE HE

CAN UTTER A WORD MARJORY’S FACE APPEARS ON A WALL

OF TV SETS, LIKE SOME OMNIPRESENT DEMONIC GOD.

 

MARJORY: Don’t you dare!

 

THE ASSISTANT RUNS OFF AND ALL THE OTHER ASSISTANTS

COWER IN FEAR.

 

THE MAN GIVES UP AND LEAVES THE SHOP.

 

CUT BACK TO MARJORY IN THE COMPUTER SECTION. 

 A GENTLE OLD LADY IS LOOKING AT A MACHINE.

 

MARJORY: Ah!  The K300.  Excellent beast, madam.  I’ve got one myself. 

And how will you be paying?