Holby City … It’s WAR!

I haven’t watched Holby since about 2005, when my comedy career hit a brick wall. Being a cynic, and also an idiot, I thought I’d effortlessly move into writing for the soaps – and so I sent them some of my comedy scripts.


I soon received a nice letter from Holby’s trainee assistant script editor. The BBC will never tell you to fuck off, they’ll just send you a letter from the trainee assistant script editor. If you’re wondering what a trainee assistant script editor does, they make the runners’ tea and eventually hope to work their way up to cleaning the toilets. I soon gave up.


Anyway, I haven’t seen this show for years, so I thought I’d give it a watch. The last time I tuned in, that game old bird from the Nescafe Gold adverts was in it …


A posh doorstep.


Posh Woman: Would you like to come in for … coffee? 


Posh Man: Just to clarify – when you say ‘coffee’ you do mean ‘anal’?


Posh Woman: of course I do, you poncy twat.


Posh Man: Right. It’s just I’m not drinking that instant shite.


Posh Woman: Okay.


Posh Man: I usually have a half-caff moccachino latte you see, and I doubt you’ll have the proper ingredients in there for that.


Posh Woman: Right …


Posh Man: I really am quite picky about my coffee, you see.


Posh Woman: Okay.


Posh Man: I mean, say what you like about Starbucks, but they really do make a terrific cup of coffee.


Door slams in his face.


The set up in this show used to be that all of the action took place within the grounds of the hospital. There were some storylines centered around the relationships between the staff. But I think in an attempt initially to make it stand out from parent show, Casualty, they focused more on the interior of the hospital than the living rooms of potential casualties.


I haven’t seen Casualty for about ten years either. But so far as I remember, a typical Casualty scene used to go a bit like this:


Posh actress playing scrubber on council estate: Daaaad! Can you put up that light bulb in the spare room? Young Liam is coming back from the army for the weekend and he needs somewhere to sleep. He can’t have his old room as that is now occupied by his new half-brother by my new violent and much-younger partner. (quietly to herself) Maybe I should put that samurai sword somewhere safe …nah, It’ll be alright …


Cut to grandad in spare room.


Posh old actor playing grandad (they couldn’t get Richard Briers this time): No problem love.


Pulls out step-ladder, climbs a few steps, falls onto toddler playing with samurai sword.


Posh actress: Oh daaaad, what are you like. Phone the bleedin’ ambliance.


(I still think this script has legs, you know.)



Before I watched tonight’s episode, just out of curiosity, I wrote down what I thought might be some of the storylines/characters:


Older male/female nurse/doctor having affair with younger male/female nurse/doctor.


Someone on the staff’s got the cancer.


Someone married is having an affair with a work colleague.  


Someone quite senior is secretly drinking/taking drugs.


Some senior surgeon is quite offhand and moody. For some inexplicable reason this is seen as an indication of his genius. (I blame James Robertson Justice) 


Some older mother-hen type staff nurse character who younger staff come to for advice.( also works for recapping storylines etc)



I’ll admit that last one was more wish-fulfillment than actual theory. Especially since I found out Patsy Kensit is in it. So how close did I come?  Well, I tuned in to find it’d been cancelled in favour of a Panorama credit-crisis wank-a-thon.

Journalists love this shit. You know the sort of thing … 

Change WAR to CREDIT CRUNCH and they’re in hog heaven. 


Don’t give the fuckers the satisfaction. Sell you car, take the bus, grow your own vegetables, bake your own bread. But most important of all – swap to instant coffee and don’t change the lightbulbs in the spare room when there are Japanese swords lying around.


9 Responses to “Holby City … It’s WAR!”

  1. MD Says:


  2. charliemingles Says:

    its blank – you muppet!

  3. MD Says:

    there’s an exclamation mark there. Which, I think you’ll find, is a full and frank comment in its very existence.

  4. charliemingles Says:

    oops. didnt see it there. my apologies madam.

  5. charliemingles Says:

    Ive absolutely no idea what ‘!’ means though.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    She found it amusing, I think.

    That pic at the top looks like Ray Parlour seducing the wife who rinsed him when they divorced.

    Don’t do it Ray!

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I was wrong, it’s not Mingles who crawled out of bed backwards, it’s Mikey.

  8. charliemingles Says:

    I dont get that last reference SH. who’s mikey?

  9. MD Says:

    SH belated – x

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