Brideshead Revisited

 

I haven’t seen the latest film remake of Brideshead Revisited. The book is excellent, the early 80’s epic tv version is a masterpiece, this new film looks … well, who knows. But I doubt it’ll be as good as the previous version.

Of course, this does all take me back to my first days at varsity. The hushed hallowed halls of learning, the bright green fields of academe stretching out before me. Well maybe it wasn’t exactly like that …

When I was a student I lived off a diet of cheap coffee, cheap spongey bread and those industrial vats of margarine. This diet, and the fact that I’d been very drunk the night before and had less than 2 hours sleep, can probably account for the fact that I shat myself during my graduation ceremony. I couldn’t leave the hall, as I was waiting my turn. So by the time I had shook the bursars hand and was given my completely useless degree, my bowel movement had congealed into what felt like a lump of cold dense porridge hanging in my trousers.

Nowadays, I wear boxers. But thankfully back in those less enlightened times I was wearing snug Y-fronts. So my stool remained, through the action of gravity and thanks to a pair of thickly-absorbent cotton pants, hanging in my knickers like a wet slingshot. Upon receiving my scroll, I quickly found a toilet.

Thankfully the good Lord was smiling down upon me, and the cubicle contained both a wash-hand basin and some soap, and I was able to scrub myself clean. And, in my graduation photo, which sits proudly on my parents mantlepiece to this day … I am not wearing any knickers.

I should warn you that I may be remembering this whole incident far more humourously than when it occurred. It was actually like being in Nam at the time and I was pretty traumatised. In fact, I seem to recall they had to lift my shamefaced knickerless body out of the area by chopper. That’s certainly how it felt anyway. 

This remake promises none of that though. Directed by Julian Jarrold and written by Andrew (Jane Austen gets her tits out) Davis, it looks pretty dreary.  Let’s remember instead the original from 1981. Posh grown-men in cricket whites carrying around teddy bears, dotty rich babes driving jalopies with a bottle of Krug hanging out the side. Eleven hours long, a fortune to make and a cast including Jeremy Irons, Anthony Andrews, Claire Bloom, Laurence Olivier and Sir John Geilgud. And In a list of the 100 Greatest British Television Programmes drawn up by the British Film Institute in 2000, it was placed 10th.

It’s not a series that’s going to be eclipsed any time soon. But I think my student days are perhaps slightly more representative.

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2 Responses to “Brideshead Revisited”

  1. nursemyra Says:

    did you read my post about Mr Tree breaking his ‘baculum’? he was sitting opposite me one day and lifted a cheek off the sofa to fart. 30 seconds later “uh oh…..”

    I worked for him for four years. it was a laugh a minute

  2. charliemingles Says:

    i didnt read that, no. Will look out for it. this was a one-off though. Its not something Im in the habit of. thankfully.

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