Strictly Come Dancing

Nobody could touch Bruce Forsyth in his Generation Game heyday. He was warm and witty and spontaneous and ridiculed members of the public without being at all cruel or superior. Nowadays, I just wish the daft old bastard would retire. The only gimmick they could come up with to make him look less like a doddery old grandad, was to team him up with Tess Daley – a women so spectacularly uncharismatic, she thought marrying Vernon Kay would make her seem more interesting. Vernon Kay appears to have had a similar idea and I hear they sit at home together in the dark every night, rocking back and forth – waiting for the ‘interesting’ bit to kick in.  

The new series started on saturday and as usual sixteen celebrities (8 men and 8 women) are hoping to re-launch their flaccid careers and tighten their flabby buttocks by learning to dance. This week it was just the men dancing, but here’s the full runners and riders:

Jessie Wallace – ex-Eastenders star, whose face always appears to have been coloured-in by a small child using black and orange marker-pens.

Tom Chambers – pretty-boy actor from Holby City. Bookie’s favourite to win.

Gillian Taylforth – Ian Beale’s mum from Eastenders. Got caught sucking some guy’s cock on the motorway. (It’s what she wants on her tombstone, apparantly.)

Phil Daniels – short-arse cockney actor best known for starring in Quadrophenia and doing the vocals on Blur’s Parklife. He was also in Eastenders for a while.

Lisa Snowden – Model-turned actress. Once shagged George Clooney, never stops going on about it. Lisa, everybody’s shagged George Clooney, give us a break. Once appeared in an advert for something or other.

Don Warrington – camp middle-aged black man who played Philip in the excellent Rising Damp. Terrible dancer. but seems like a nice enough guy.

Rachel Stevens – the tiny little cute one from S Club 7. So small, she has recently been reclassified as a leprechaun and has had to get special dispensation from the King of the Faeries to appear on the show.

Austin Healey – some English rugby player who I’ve never heard of. Joint favourite.

Heather Small – Lead-singer with tedious 90’s power-balladeers M People. Hard to be objective here as I fucking hated that song they did ‘Search for the Hero Inside Yourself.’ She’s probably a perfectly nice woman. Just so long as she doesn’t sing. According to the car advert that song appeared in, searching for a hero merely seems to involve driving round the Peak District in a family saloon car, changing gear.

Gary Rhodes – TV chef and complete cock. Thankfully, when he takes to the floor he has all the poise and elegance of a wet cardboard box drenched in tramp’s piss. So hopefully he won’t last long.

Jodie Kidd – tedious model and socialite made even more unbearable by the fact she remains oblivious to the fact that she is merely a tedious model and socialite, and appears to think we are interested in the shite that comes out of her mouth.

John Sergeant – Retired political journalist and loveable old-buffer. The dark horse.

Cherie Lunghie – Actress perhaps best-known for playing Guinevere in the original 1981 movie of Excalibur. You might also recognise her from her title role in the 1989 tv series The Manageress, about a feisty female football manager. At 56, she’s more GILF than MILF, but she still looks pretty good in a catsuit.

Andrew Castle – identikit breakfast tv presenter and Nick Ross-lite. He kindly brought along his teenage daughters, presumably in the hope that watching dad gyrating around with a young blonde woman would put them off sex for life. Having seen him dance, I think it might have worked.

Christine Bleakley – Adrian Chiles’ genial irish co-host from the dreary One Show.

Mark Foster – likeable Olympic swimmer, tall and gangly like an aquatic Peter Crouch.

So far as the dancing goes, no real surprises. The young ones who had trained as professional actors and sportsmen did better than the old ones and the journalists. Who would have thought it. Reuters must have closed down their ballroom dancing division. Such a waste too.

I remember the glory days, Kate Adie and John Humphries reporting from Beiruit in a makeshift foxhole. There may have been shelling coming from all corners and dead soldiers all around them, but they still managed to do their piece to camera for the 6 0’clock News and complete a perfect foxtrot at the same time. Now, that’s what I call dancing.


5 Responses to “Strictly Come Dancing”

  1. nursemyra Says:

    shit! I’ve never heard of any of those people. maybe their “fame” didn’t reach as far as Oz?

  2. MD Says:

    ugh, pervy old men. Shudder.

  3. charliemingles Says:

    And here’s me thinking you liked that sort of thing madam.

  4. Inchy Says:

    This show is the last chance saloon for the 2008 panto season.
    It’s like the Jeremy Kyle show for ‘celebrities’.

    “Dance monkey-boy, dance!”

  5. charliemingles Says:

    Nursey – it didnt even reach as far as my house.

    I’d never heard of some of these fuckers myself and I watch any old shite, as regular viewers will know.

    I’m planning to visit your site soon, so make sure there’s lots of kinky shit on there. And another photo of you in your basque wouldnt be too bad either.

    Cheers doll


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