Tales from an Empty Room

Here’s a typical scene from my life …

TWO ORDINARY 30-SOMETHING MEN, TOM AND CHARLIE, ARE STANDING IN THE SUPERMARKET ENTRANCE.

TOM: I’ve just got to pop in here for a minute, get a couple of things.

CHARLIE: It’s alright. I’ll come in with you.

THEY ENTER THE SUPERMARKET AND TOM GRABS A HAND BASKET.

TOM GRABS VARIOUS ITEMS OFF THE SHELVES AS THEY WALK ALONG.

CHARLIE: Oh! Actually, I need some milk.

HE POPS SOME MILK INTO TOM’S BASKET.

TOM: (LOOKING AROUND TO SEE IS ANYONE’S WATCHING) What are you doing?

CHARLIE: What?

TOM: Can you not get your own basket?

CHARLIE: It’s just milk. I’ll give you the money.

TOM: It’s not the money. It’s …

CHARLIE: What?

TOM: (WHISPERING) I don’t want your ‘Gay Milk’ in my basket. What are people going to think?

CHARLIE: Don’t be ridiculous.

TOM: Well, come on. Two guys … shopping together … buying milk.

CHARLIE: You’re right. I think I saw it in that Frankie Goes to Hollywood video.

TOM: Alright, alright. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.

CHARLIE: Just a wee bit.

TOM: Sorry. Forget I said anything.

CHARLIE: No problem.

THEY PASS BY THE CD’S.

CHARLIE: Now, what else do I need. (NOTICING) Oh, look! Barbra Streisand’s Greatest Hits.

TOM STORMS OFF.

CHARLIE: What?!

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19 Responses to “Tales from an Empty Room”

  1. Mrs Pouncer Says:

    Charlie, you simply can’t be too careful. Don’t forget, old fag-hags like me patrol the refrigerated-meats section at Waitrose looking for young men to sing Filthy/Gorgeous to.

  2. charliemingles Says:

    I doubt youd fancy either of us mrs pouncer. were both far too butch.

    not that I’d turn you away. Remember Ive seen you scrubbing the floor in your knickers. you durty durty wee hoor.

  3. Mrs Pouncer Says:

    What an extraordinary outburst! You are confusing me with Mrs Cake, a woman of low tastes. I have drudges to do that sort of work for me. CLdeM Pouncer

  4. charliemingles Says:

    my apologies madam. But I’m both Scottish and a chimp. what can you expect?

    Mingles
    xxx

  5. nursemyra Says:

    this faghag likes ’em butch

  6. charliemingles Says:

    nice to hear it, nurse.

  7. suzyfoxx Says:

    I like em butch too charlie

    PS; whats happened with the tv reviews? seems to have gone a bit quiet.

    suzy

    xxx

  8. MD Says:

    None of your St Andrews accusations, Mr Mingles, endless drivel posted in your rough direction from the heart of Kirkcaldy.

    :-p xx

  9. charliemingles Says:

    Sorry md. I was getting you mixed up with that guy on andrew’s site who is from st andrews. Dare I say it, Im also from Kirkcaldy originally.

    what a tiny tiny world miss. I guess it will get even more tiny once they switch on the large hadron collidor.

    do you have any last wishes?

  10. MD Says:

    I have several but they’re a bit forward, you mistook me for a bloke, and I didn’t get any x’s with my sorry.

    My prediction for “Big Bang Day” is that the news headlines will either be “Pound note spotted in Bingley” as all other news will have been diverted, or “scientists break very big tunnel”

    MD xxx

  11. charliemingles Says:

    Being a kirkcaldy girl, I was assuming you’d find such behaviour a bit girly.

    but I’m more than happy to oblige.

    Mingles
    xxxxxx

    (plenty more where they came from)

  12. MD Says:

    you’re a kirkcaldy girl?

    the plot thickens

    xxx

  13. charliemingles Says:

    No. you girl. me boy.

    Me cheetah, you jane.

  14. MD Says:

    Ah. I did get that, pedantry overtook me.

    Are you a cheetah because you have spots, four legs or a penchant for wordplay?

    Ponderation: were you by chance KHS class of 91?

    this was brought to you by the use of underused words beginning with p for no reason whatsoever other than the time of day

    xxx because I’m nice

  15. charliemingles Says:

    not class of 91 no. bit earlier. but I did go there.

    cheetah was the name of tarzans chimp, as im sure you already know.

    you seem far too well-educated for a kirkcaldy girl. you must be an import.

    Look. youve made the news:
    http://satyremagazine.blogspot.com/2008/09/local-woman-claims-satire-saved-her.html

  16. MD Says:

    Oh, I forgot that.
    I’m on “p” today, I’ll remember Tarzan related words on Friday.

    I am an import actually, I come from the far shores of Edinburgh. I’ve been here for a long time though, despite leaving several times, so we’re probably related. There are clever people from Kirkcaldy though, there’s Adam Smith and that chimp bloke from the satire.

    xxx

  17. MD Says:

    My sleuthing skills have tired me out, I see all this up to and not including my interlopation reproduced on blogger and it’s making me confuseder and confuseder. And I haven’t worked out how old you are or where to stalk you, nor did you follow on your promise of x’s.

    I’m going to have to go to Tesco. And no, that’s not a euphemism for something rude. I’m actually going to Tesco

    xxx

  18. charliemingles Says:

    I had to look up interlopation. so im not that clever.

    (I’m assuming you meant ‘interpolation’ though, but I had to look that up too)

    Why madam, its like conversing with the great dr johnson.

    Without, I trust, the giant beer belly, shiny-red face and bouts of violent alcoholism.

  19. MD Says:

    You wouldn’t know interlopation, I made it up. The fact that you looked it up made me muchly pleased though, I’m getting good at this clearly. I shall shortly be publishing a book of non-words under the pseudonym “Samuella Johnson”.

    That’s not strictly true.

    x’s withheld

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