It’s Comedy Jim … But Not as We Know It.

Simon Pegg to be the new Scotty? I don’t think so. If you’re going to do it, go the whole way and make him properly Scottish. I give you … Davie Donaldson, Star Trek Officer

                                 

WE ARE ON THE ENGINEERING DECK OF THE USS ENTERPRISE.  DAVIE DONALDSON, A FAT UNSHAVEN ENGINEERING OFFICER STAGGERS IN, HUNG-OVER.

 

ENGINEERING CHIEF: Donaldson, you’re late.

 

DONALDSON:(Scottish) I’m not late, sir.  (thinking quick)  It’s …eh, it’s actually just a temporal shift in the space-time continuum – warping time and so creating the illusion that I’m late.

 

CHIEF: My God!  That’s the third time this week.

 

DONALDSON: Aye, I’m actually eight hours early.  In fact (HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) – that’s me finished for the day, sir.  If you’ll excuse me!

 

HE TURNS TO GO.

 

CHIEF: I must say Donaldson, ever since you came on board, the number of temporal anomalies has increased greatly.  And they all seem to be centred around you.

 

DONALDSON: Aye, I have that effect.  Something to do with the static charge in my nylon socks.  I set off burglar alarms too.

 

CHIEF: Fascinating.

 

DONALDSON: Happens all the time, dinnae worry about it. Anyway, I’m off for some kip. Long hard day and all that. (PRODUCES A BOTTLE OF WHISKY AND STARTS SWIGGING FROM IT)

 

CHIEF: Oh, by the way!  (HE HOLDS UP A PAIR OF MANKY Y-FRONTS)  I notice you left a pair of your pants to dry over the main engineering consol.  That’s against Star Fleet regulations.

 

DONALDSON: Once again, sir, there must be some temporal anomaly.  A misalignment of the tacheon flux capacitors, perhaps.

 

THE CHIEF LOOKS ROUND AT EVERYONE.  THEY LOOK AWAY, SHRUGGING THEIR SHOULDERS.

 

CHIEF: Ah, yes.  Of course.

 

DONALDSON: An easy mistake to make, sir.  Yes, because my pants are actually pressed and folded in the cupboard along with my spare uniform.  As a Star Fleet Officer, presentation is all important. (HE WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE)

 

CHEIF: I do apologise, Mr Donaldson.  I’ll run a level 5 diagnostic immediately.

 

DONALDSON: Nae bother.  Now, if you’ll excuse me sir, I’ll be in my cabin going over some technical data – we’ve got to beat this thing.

 

CHIEF: You’re a first rate officer, Donaldson.

 

DONALDSON: And remember, if somebody happens to see me in the bookies on Holodeck 5 – it’s just an illusion. Got it!

 

HE LEAVES.

 

CHIEF: Okay, you heard the man.  I want all hands on deck.  Let’s take this ship apart until we find what’s causing it.  There goes one brave officer!  A tribute to Star Fleet!

 

 

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