Have You Got The X Factor?

(Top: Have You Got The X Factor? Above: Sharon Osbourne. The Wicked Witch of the West Country)

Across the land, chicken factory workers, world-weary nine-year-olds and old men with young hair, will once more be queuing down the yellow brick road outside various regional TV stations. The X Factor is back.

Who will make it to Emerald City bootcamp and eventually win? Will it be the lovely 80-year-old lady who sings quivery songs from the last war? The precocious teen with the conveniently-timed personal tragedy? ( ‘I hear your entire family just died in a car crash on the way to this audition. Well done for carrying on. Just pop the wire-cutters on the floor and tell us what you’ll be singing’) Or will it be the cute 19-year-old with the nice bottom? It’s a completely open contest, as they keep telling us.

As part of my extensive research on the show, last week I went to see a fortune teller and she told me, ‘In 2006 the winner’s name was Leona. In 2007 it was Leon. In 2008, watch out for someone called Leo.’ (My Great Uncle Leo is 84-years-old and resides in a maximum security twilight home – but I’ve got £200 on him to win the final, just in case. )

180,000 people applied this year and the kindest act of euthanasia is always when Simon Cowell tells some starry-eyed teen with no discernable talent to give up chasing the dream. It never works of course, but God bless him for trying. Along with Simon on the judging panel, we still have grumpy munchkin Louis Walsh and failed Aussie popster Dannii Minogue.

As usual, at some point Simon will suck on his pen and make the following comments:

1. You might be something special.
2. This competition needs someone like you.
3. I really really like you, you know.

At which point, he’s done talking to himself in the mirror and leaves the house for the X Factor studios.

Sharon Osbourne has gone of course, to be replaced by Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Cole. What really happened to The Evil Witch of The West Country has never been revealed, but here at Tales From An Empty Room we can give you an exclusive. Apparantly Louis Walsh threw a glass of holy water at her and she melted into a giant puddle of dog shit – which Ozzy then stepped in, saying ‘Aaah, those fookin’ dogs. Shaaaaron!’

Some highlights from week one:

Rachel, a 26-year-old singer who had the first of her 5 kids when she was just 13 and has a background of drugs and prison. She was a very likeable larger-than-life character and thank God she had a good voice as you could see Simon’s fruit-machine-eyes roll back into his head with the tabloid potential.

And then there was 16-year-old Alexandra from Bridgend, hoping the recent spate of teenage suicides in the area would help her singing career.

And one of many lowpoints, Welsh brothers Ant & Seb who looked and sounded like Baz and Dave from The Fat Slags cartoon in Viz magazine. Baz could sing a bit, so as he gave us Peter Andre’s ‘Mysterious Girl’, Dave accompanied him with what I suppose was meant to be rapping. Unfortunately for all concerned it sounded more like he was experiencing a bout of Tourette’s Syndrome, performed in a Welsh-Jamaican accent.

Some people prefer these early rounds so you can laugh at all the crap singers. I get pretty bored with all that after a while and much prefer the later rounds when we arrive at bootcamp and start to get to know the people involved. After seeing them every week for three or four months you really do start to care about whether they win or lose and it’s easy to get swept along on the emotional rollercoaster of their journey. But, isn’t that the whole point?

Last Christmas I sat with tears in my eyes as Leon and Rhydian and Co sang their hearts out in the final. I thought Leon was great. A really genuine guy and a worthy winner. However, a few weeks later, I turned on my telly and saw some gurning little twat warbling his way through a turgid Number One single. Could this be the same little Leon I’d championed just a few weeks earlier? Of course it was. He hadn’t changed, I had.

It’s the singing equivalent of soap operas. Have you ever come back from a long holiday and turned on your favourite soap only to think, ‘What a load of shit.’ We get so caught up in it all, we often lose our critical faculties.

But that’s all part of the glorious experience that is The X Factor. It’s not just the contestants that go on the journey – it’s us lot too. Oh yes, hang onto your pigtails. You’re not in Kansas anymore.

13 Responses to “Have You Got The X Factor?”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    I’ll get you – and your little dog too!

    (Ms S.Osbourne, California)

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Thank god the witch is dead. I can shag some young crumpet now.

    Mr O Osbourne. California .. I mean … Anonymous. How do you delete this bloody thing. Kelly!

  3. suzyfoxx Says:

    can we expect an x factor post every week charlie now?

  4. charliemingles Says:

    Not every week Suzy, just whenever there’s something worth writing about, so stay tuned.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    pretty funny. keep em coming.

    emily xxxx

  6. riannon23 Says:

    ohmigoid ohmigod ohmigod you have to review this every week mingles. thats great. you like totally rool.

    (can I have my £20 now?)

  7. charliemingles Says:

    you can indeed rhiannon. Payment in kind as usual?

  8. riannon23 Says:

    that’ll do nicely

    *pops baby oil on shopping list*

  9. bigtittednamelessrandygirl19 Says:

    what about me charlie? can I join in too baby?

  10. charliemingles Says:

    mum, what have I told you about bothering me at work?

  11. bigtittednamelessrandygirl19 Says:

    sorry petal. just trying to get your blog stats up.

  12. dave Says:

    mingles, stop talking to yourself you daft twat!

  13. suzyfoxx Says:

    Loved the ‘Perfect Vagina’ article Charlie.

    We love you in our house and we’re all pert young lesbians covered in whipped cream.

    Suzy + friends

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