In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she plans to divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.
It is thought that as part of the settlement, Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, play outside in the fresh air and only speak when spoken to. Most importantly of all, he will need her written permission before making any more of his shitty movies.
If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money – and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.
Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake. Gor blimey, so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.
When our reporter cornered Madonna on the steps of her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.
* I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ – ed.
November 12, 2008 at 7:50 am |
wow – that’a scary photo
November 12, 2008 at 9:09 am |
And when I think of all the spunks she got out of me in the 90s…
Still probably would, mind.
November 12, 2008 at 12:29 pm |
She has the hands of a witch.
November 12, 2008 at 12:49 pm |
hands, feet, head and face of a witch dave. thats because shes a witch.
November 12, 2008 at 12:56 pm |
It’s like she’s had her essence drained by the evil prophets in film The Dark Crystal.
November 12, 2008 at 1:00 pm |
Wasnt there some witch in fraggle rock that looked like her?
that said – her performance of holiday on TOTP is one of the all-time classics and she looked cute a fuck.
November 12, 2008 at 2:10 pm |
She looked best in the 90s, I reckon. But that’s when I was a young, impressionable lad.
November 12, 2008 at 4:54 pm |
‘the 90’s’ dave? Crikey, I didnt realise she was that old.
I shall amend the piece immediately. cant have shoddily researched journalism on this blog. Its read by woodward and bernstein. thanks for the tip.
November 13, 2008 at 11:17 am |
What are you blathering about? You’re old, you liked 80s Madonna. Fine. I, myself, first noticed the Madonna for her charms in the 90s. Otherwise I’d be a 5 year old oggling at a woman prancing around in rags. Infact, I wasn’t even born when like a virgin was released. Perhaps the song is the very reason I’m here,
90s Madonna.
November 13, 2008 at 11:24 am |
I thought youd left the internet you little ginger fuckwit?
November 13, 2008 at 11:39 am |
I thought so too. These stimulating chats are what keeps me coming back. You do it.
November 13, 2008 at 2:41 pm |
90ies madonna it is. or the goth look in “the power of goodbye”. great.
November 13, 2008 at 3:06 pm |
Indy – you young scallywags know nothing.
Check out the young perky madonna doing holiday on youtube. hard to imagine anything cuter.
You can get durty hoors gyrating and showing us their flaps anywhere. you filthy little beast. youre almost as bad as dave.