You Still Here?

February 3, 2010

I haven’t written anything on this contraption since 2008.

amazingly though, some people still appear to be visiting it. god knows why.

just to clarify things, I’m only keeping this open because I can’t be bothered to copy any of the articles to my computer, and I’m really quite pleased with some of them if truth be told. also, I can eventually show this to my grandchildren, as a measure of some sort of achievement.

by then, I’ll just be a head in a glass jar.

but nobody’s perfect.

Whoever you are  – if you’re interested here’s some photos of my recent holiday in Jerusalem …

Owl & Pussycat Lost at Sea

November 16, 2008
The two daft twats in question - just as they set off ...

The two daft twats in question - just as they set off ...

A nocturnal bird and a domestic feline were today thought lost at sea after setting out in an attractive emerald-coloured ocean-going vessel.

Senior Coastguard spokesman Mr David Donaldson told us, “We believe the two creatures set off with some honey and a large amount of cash, wrapped up in a £5 note. Other than that though – no sat nav, proper food, water or mobile phone. Also, it’s clear that neither of the creatures had any sailing experience. So it’s perhaps inevitable that they should have run into trouble.

“It seems the cracks first began to appear when the feline realised it did not have opposable thumbs and so could not effectively grip the oars – and they soon began to drift out into open water. Additionally, the money they were carrrying was in the form of gold coins, and it’s thought the weight of the bullion led the boat to slowly sink below the water-line, letting in water. They tried to bail out the vessel using their only source of food, said jar of honey, but with neither creature possessing a good enough grip, the venture was obviously doomed.

“Also, there’s evidence that the cat may have eaten the owl. Aren’t they natural enemies? In hindsight, it seems clear that this may have been inevitable. After all, if I set out to cross the Pacific Ocean accompanied by 20 quid, a hungry tiger and a jar of Marmite –  I wouldn’t anticipate surviving the journey. Daft twats!”

Sir Stephen Redgrave has today put on hold his proposed trip to row across the English Channel accompanied by Freddie Kreuger, Rosemary West and a box of Pop Tarts. Sponsors of the trip, HBOS – we’re said to be disappointed.

Frog Falls Foul of Tough New Laws

November 15, 2008

mr-froggy

Another submssion from our sister-paper, The Super Soaraway Scottish Satire( http://satyremagazine.blogspot.com/) and it’s co-editor Tom Laird …

A Frog got on the wrong side of Lothian and Borders Police early last Thursday evening in Inverleith Park Edinburgh.

Mr. Phileas Froggy (3) was spotted riding through the popular recreational area at 18:30 hrs by A traffic patrol car and pulled over.

Sergeant Sandy Hitler (33) (No relation) had this to say about the incident affecting a posh mockney accent. ” My colleague and I were carrying out an operation directed against teenage tearaways on mini moto’s around the Inverleith area on Thursday last, when we observed the aforementioned amphibian riding his Harley Davidson Green Dragonfly through the public park erratically and to the reckless endangerment of other park users.
On apprehending Mr. Froggy he was found to be in possession of a sword and a pistol. When questioned as to the nature of his activities he explained that he went out ‘a courtin‘ and having been late for his rendezvous with one Miss Mouse had decided to take a shortcut through the park to save time. It being explained to Mr. Froggy that he was in contravention of the Countryside code Par3 Subsection A (vi) and the Armed Amphibians Scotland act 1998, he was cautioned and subsequently arrested and charged. Let this send a strong message that the people of Edinburgh will no longer tolerate this sort of loutish if quaint archaic behaviour.”
Speaking from his pond in the back garden of 26 Arboretum Rd Mr. Froggy croaked,  “It’s no as though they could be out catching paedophiles and murderers they have to be picking on innocent frogs going about their business. The sword happens to be an Innocent Hattori Hanzo that was a Christmas present for Miss Mouse’s wee nephew, and the Pistol was a muzzle loading duelling job passed down to me by my Grandfather. Just in case Uncle Rat got the hump at me trying to nip his niece and called me out. It’s hardly Al’qaeda is it? The bastards have also crushed ma bike.To top it all off the whole episode has completely ruined any chance I had of getting ma hole.
His neighbour Mr. Toad (5) offered, “I have known that laddie since he was a tadpole and he wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s a shame.” The flies of the neighbourhood have however disputed this point hotly.
The law however takes a dim view of this sort of thing in light of recent tragedies, and should  the hapless Froggy be convicted, he could receive the maximum 10 years. Even with the automatic half remission he could end his days behind bars.
Miss Mouse and her Uncle Rat were unfortunately unable to comment as they had both been tragically killed in a freak boating accident involving being swallowed up by a big black snake. Hmm Hmm, Hmmm Hmmm, ahaaa.
Once again, lack of paragraphs is down to me – Charle Mingles.

Sutcliffe Slams Clarkson

November 14, 2008
your average lorry driver ... probably not a murderer!

Above: your average lorry driver ... probably not a murderer!

Serial-murdering psycopath, keen lorry driver and so-called ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ Peter Sutcliffe today spoke out of his outrage over the Jeremy Clarkson scandal.

“Respectable lorry drivers like myself and that bloke out of the Yorkie Bar adverts were happily going about our lives, innocently listening to country & western music and whittering inane good-buddy bollocks into our CB radios until Clarkson came along with these offensive smears on our reputation. Well, granted, I wasn’t going about my innocent life. I’ve been in jail for 25 years for murderin’ them prozzies for Jesus. And, okay, well now that I come to think about it – the bloke from all them Yorkie ads is a fictional character … but there must still be actual lorry drivers out there, yeah? And it’s them I feel sorry for.”

Local resident Maureen McGlinchie told us, “It’s a disgrace, is what it is. I see lorries driving past my house every day – so I know all about things like this. Clarkson just can’t get away with this sort of talk anymore. Cage the black beast, I say! He is black, isn’t he? I think he is. He’s definitely black.”

Renowned clinical psychologist Dr David Donaldson commented, “In my expert opinion, I think it’s highly unlikely that all lorry drivers in the UK are murdering prostitutes. There are over 40,000 registered HGV drivers in this country and if they were all bumping off hookers regularly, the supply would soon run out. In which case, normal, respectable women would end up taking over these prozzies’ street-pitches by night – and continuing their shift at Asda during the day. Of course, they would soon start showing signs of fatigue and confuse their roles – sucking off respectable family men in the supermarket checkout queue and offering 17% off frozen prawns to bemused lorry drivers in car parks. It’s just not likely, is what I’m saying. That’s 19,000 euros, please.”

A spokesman for Top Gear told us, “Wahoo! Our ratings have gone through the fucking roof!  Ha ha ha! Eh? Peter who? Wasn’t he originally in the Beatles?”

Walk of Shame For Disgraced Beast Ross

November 13, 2008

jonathan-ross-pickles

Disgraced multi-billionaire TV host Jonathan Ross was today seen openly walking the family pet Mr Pickles in broad daylight.

His horns, forked-tail and hooves obviously disguised under heavy make-up and special effects, the media mogul cut a jaunty, almost carefree figure as he scooped dog excrement from the pavement in a nonchalant, some might even say unrepentant manner.

“Why doesn’t he just let his dog shit in the garden, like what normal folk do?” said nearby resident Maureen McGlinchie. “It’s one rule for the rich and famous and another for the rest of us. Cage this black beast.”

Animal expert Professor David Donaldson told us, “Ross will probably come back in from the walk, take the animal’s lead off and perhaps give him a treat. He might then perhaps play with Mr Pickles for a while or watch some television. I can’t be sure what he’ll be watching - but I’m guessing whatever’s on at the time. He’ll probably check through the schedules first, that’s certainly the approach I might take. He may even make himself a cup of tea. Or coffee even. Who knows. The man’s a multi-billionaire, he can drink whatever the fuck he likes. The cheeky cunt. He’s just taking the piss. I agree with Mrs McGlinchie in the previous paragraph. Cage this evil beast!”

Our team of investigative journalists managed to retrieve a sample of the excrement from a nearby doggy-bin and whisked it off for detailed analysis by forensic scientists at a leading commercial laboratory, who told us, “Well, it’s … just dog shit, isn’t it? It’s just fucking dog shit. Are you taking the piss? Bringing us a pile of fucking dog shit. What the fuck do you think we are? Do you think we’ve not got better things to do than poke around in fucking dog shit, you daft cunts?”

Ross was this afternoon unavailable for comment, which just about says it all really, doesn’t it? And his wife’s a ride. Rich jammy twat.

Student Not Doing Gap Year

November 13, 2008

Stock photo of an implausibly lovely student girl ...

Stock photo of an implausibly lovely student girl ...

Today we welcome our first post from a new writer. Tom Laird sends this in from the esteemed Scottish organ ‘The Satire’ Magazine: http://satyremagazine.blogspot.com/ 

Readers of The Satire will have noted that it’s been very quiet for a few months, but Mr Laird has succesfully managed to shake off gainful employment as is now back with us – congrats again sir, and hope the court case goes in your favour.

If you fancy trying your hand at investigative journalism and have a story to tell us, please send it to: charlie@talesfromanemptyroom.co.uk  You won’t get any money and we might not even use it, but it will bring you one small step nearer to impressing a member of the opposite sex, and at least that’s something …

An Edinburgh University student has astounded all her friends at the Student Union by announcing she intends to take up employment immediately and can’t be bothered her arse to go traipsing off round the world.

Lucy Fairbairn (22) had everyone aghast with her repeated assertion that she had absolutely nothing to prove and had had enough shagging and pissing it up while she was at uni.
” I had enough shagging and pissing it up while I was at uni.” She confidently told The Satire, then added. “All this galavanting round the world is just an excuse not to face up to reality and get on with being an adult. Besides, I’m an attractive, sexy, well balanced and bright young women who is not at all fat arsed and frumpy with no personality. I get crates of cock right here in Edinburgh. Why would i want some chancing passport chasing Lothario from bongo bongo land pawing me and trying to make ‘jiggy-jiggy‘. It’s ludicrous.”
Penny Worthinton (23) Lucy’s less attractive and slightly overweight friend disagreed and thinks she is mad. ” I think she is mad. She worked bloody hard to get her law degree yeah, and now she is going to squander it by getting a job. I think she will find it difficult as most top companies these days very much expect a big gap on your CV that’s full of stories about helping black people and stuff. They lap that kind of shit up you know.”
Hector MacDonald (46) of Edinburgh legal firm, Shyster Macdonald & Charlatan emphatically concurred with that. ” I know that we certainly would never consider taking on someone who hadn’t done the gap year thing. Ideally we want someone who has swanned about the world for two years. This tells us that their parents are probably wealthy and, if it’s a young lady, they are probably up for it as well. You can’t really go about these days bragging about your car or the size of  your house as everyone will know you’re a tosser. So in order to trump your mates it’s all about where you’ve been, and what obscure ethnic groups you put up with in a hovel for weeks. I think she should reconsider.”
Miss Fairbairn was as determined as ever when we spoke to her yesterday. ” Look If I really want to help people there are plenty of people here I can assist. Especially with my legal skills. If it’s exotic locations you are after, I will be raking it in as a lawyer so I can travel in style instead of having to tolerate a bunch of sweaty farting Australians in a grubby dorm.
Miss Fairbairn is ex directory.
(One day I’ll learn how to make paragraphs work. Till then, my apologies - Mingles)

Madonna Set to Adopt Guy Ritchie

November 11, 2008

benbolin

In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she plans to divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.

It is thought that as part of the settlement, Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, play outside in the fresh air and only speak when spoken to.  Most importantly of all, he will need her written permission before making any more of his shitty movies.

If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money – and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.

Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake. Gor blimey, so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.

When our reporter cornered Madonna on the steps of her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.

* I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ – ed.

Dangerous New Toy on Shelves

November 10, 2008

sword_diagram_bg2

The governement was today warning of a dangerous new Christmas toy on the shelves, which could damage children if played with in the wrong way.

The Fisher-Price ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can slice a man in two with just one blow – but the manufacturers say that used sensibly it can bring even very young children hours of fun.

Company spokesperson Davie Donaldson told us, ‘This news scare is just nonsense. Under proper supervision, the ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can be used by children between 3-7 years to harmlessly slice tin cans, furniture and pets clean in two! The very idea that they would use it on themselves or their parents is patently absurd.’

This is the second of such scares in as many years. Last year Fisher-Price released their controversial baby-garrote, inspired by an episode of The Sopranos.

A spokesman for The Trading Standards Office told us, ‘This is all part of the tradition at this time of year. We know it’s the run up to Christmas when these crazy scare stories start to appear. Besides, only a handful of working-class babies strangled their mothers last year – and most of them were lone parents. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about.’

Puppy Sales up 300 Percent

November 9, 2008

Sales of puppies in the UK have gone up 300% since Barack Obama’s historic acceptance speech earlier in the week.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen McGlinchie told us, ‘I’m very gullible and believe all my problems will be solved by buying a puppy. Just like that coloured fella who works in the White House.’

Unfortunately, the increase in new puppy sales has been exactly cancelled out by folk taking back their old puppies.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen McGlinchie told us, ‘ I’m very gullible and was so inspired by that coloured fella’s speech about change that I decided to swap the puppy for a new DVD-recorder instead. I’m still not happy. Cage the black beast, I say.’

A typical puppy yesterday

A typical puppy yesterday

Um Bongo Sales Plummet

November 4, 2008

Sales of fizzy tropical fruit drink Um Bongo have plummeted this week – as thanks to internal civil strife, it was revealed that they no longer drink it in the Congo.

A spokesman for Um Bongo helpfully informed us, ‘Umbongo, Umbongo, they no longer drink it in the Congo! The Cunts.’

Rumours that the entire conflict was started by rebel factions loyal to arch-rivals the neo-communist Sunny-D corporation, are said to be greatly exaggerated.


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